Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
—Step 9 of the Twelve Steps
Richard Rohr invites readers to consider the “skillful means” of making amends:
What Western religions sometimes called “wisdom,” the Eastern religions often called “skillful means.” Wisdom was not merely a heady aphorism, but a practical, best, and effective way to get the job done!
We might say Step 9 tells us how to use skillful means both to protect our own humanity and to liberate the humanity of others. Our amends to others should be “direct,” that is, specific, personal, and concrete. Face-to-face encounters, although usually difficult after we have caused harm, work best in the long run, even if the other party rebuffs us at the first attempt. When we open the door from our side, it thus remains open, unless we reclose it by returning to defensiveness, denial, or despair.
Another skillful insight is the cleverly added “except when to do so would injure them or others.” We often need time, discernment, and good advice from others before we know the when, how, who, and where to apologize or make amends. If not done skillfully, an apology can actually make the problem and the hurt worse. Skillful means is not just to make amends, but to make amends in ways that do not “injure” others. Truth is not just factual truth (the great mistake of fundamentalists), but a combination of both text and context, style and intent. [1]
Anglican priest Mpho Tutu van Furth defines reparation as “the action of making amends for a wrong one has done,” and describes it as a dance:
Reparations are their own healing liturgical dance…. The first step would speak the words “I’m sorry” and in so saying open a door for the dance to begin…. A perpetrator who is penitent could listen long to the stories of victims and their descendants and dare to hear the hurt that their actions … have caused. When the story is told and the hurt is named, reparations are the thread offered that might make repair. Ask forgiveness, it will make the repair stronger: remorseful apology and reparation twined with gracious forgiveness, strands of hope woven together to make a better future than the one that the past promised us. Our future is learning together how better to love. We must learn how better to live love and how better to live in love. We must study how better to be love and how to embody love….
Humility speaks: “We are sorry.” This “we are sorry” will not stand on the dais dictating the terms of its own surrender. This “we are sorry” will not try to define for the victims the edges of their experience. This “we are sorry” will not lay upon those wronged the weight of expectation. You are not required to be gracious in response. We hope that you will hear that we are genuinely sorry.
The door is open. The dance begins. [2]
References:
[1] Selected from Richard Rohr, Breathing under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps, 10th anniv. ed. (Cincinnati, OH: Franciscan Media, 2011, 2021), 73, 74, 76.
[2] Mpho Tutu van Furth, Forgiveness and Reparation, the Healing Journey (Minneapolis, MN: Fortress Press, 2022), 17–18, 21–22.
Image credit and inspiration: Jenna Keiper, bubble detail (detail), 2020, photo, Albuquerque. Click here to enlarge image. Air is released as bubbles when water hits water. Where do we find oxygen when we’re underwater?
Story from Our Community:
After 40 years “in and out” of AA, someone gave me Richard Rohr’s book, Breathing under Water. Maybe I was finally at a bottom, or maybe it was simply that Richard’s words finally filled the empty place inside of me with a wonderful new spirituality. Today, I am 3 years clean and sober. I feel called to serve in whatever way I can. I am now caring for my young grandson who is in the hospital, helping my exhausted daughter. I am grateful for every minute I can offer this care and comfort. In fact, I am so deeply grateful for everything in my life.
—Christine B.
