A Parenting Approach
The irony for me is that despite years of sincere seeking and a commitment to CAC teachings, grace was forced on me by my strong-willed, verbally advanced child. She broke me in early, triumphantly proclaiming, “Mommy, I will always win against you because I have more energy to fight until the end!” She was about five years old, and she was right. Unless I wanted to spend the next two decades in conflict, I needed to learn some surrender. I wish I could say that I encounter grace with wise intent or heartfelt prayers, but I think it is more a case of survival, and many battles are not graceful.
My child’s gift of metaphor often stops me in my tracks—a talent she seems to share with good teachers like Fr. Richard, especially when I quote her, and she responds, “Wow, I said that?” Many years ago, while preparing supper, I noticed her gazing into space. After a while, she declared that “My stomach was in conflict with my tastebuds” because, although she was hungry, her tastebuds were “not cooperating, refusing to give a clear message” about the needs of her stomach. I knew exactly what she meant, except in my case, my disconnect was as a spiritual parent.
I grew up believing that my parents, the ultimate authorities, had right answers for life. But as a parent myself, I don’t seem to know or be in control, and this void leaves my Enneagram eightness grasping for some real (or even inauthentic) greatness.
So, we marched to the pews in search of greatness. But rather than casting light over my parenting shadow, church threw me into a dark belly of parenting despair. The entire process genuinely frightened my preschooler: first, Christ hanging from the cross, then the communal eating of his body, followed by drinking wine! She was angry and shocked that I thought church could be a helpful, nurturing place.
I had no idea how to comfort her until I recognized that her church experience was an unfiltered signal from her heart, reminding me of my unexpressed childhood discomfort and confusion with church. Her childlike innocence shone a light on my own child-heart.
I once laughed when she claimed that she never wanted to be a “sad disco ball with no light of my own.” In the context of spirituality, this seems a perfect parenting concept: to resist my impulse to blind her inner light with a scriptural Christian spotlight, to try calling on the grace of the Holy Spirit to reflect her magnificence and bravely share my own heart in a constant flow of mysterious learning. It is challenging and vulnerable, and I don’t feel in control. But it feels more like love and living faith.
I am deeply grateful to Fr. Richard and the CAC community, without whom I am not sure I would have the courage to question or the awareness to experience a gentler God.
A 2024 Living School student, Beverley Mason is an older single parent raising her only child far from home, without a tested blueprint. She relies on Holy intervention, genuine connections, an enduring commitment to the CAC community, and the loving support of (ex-Fr.) Tom Baker and his ACIM circle in Virginia Beach, Virginia.